UGH! Major UGH!

yea i know , i know its been awhile
still going to the gym, worked out so much frustration and aggregation, plus helps me to loose weight and tone this over weight body, makes me feel good after wards too

my gran dad is doing better * thanks Heavens*
now for the disturbing news,
Jason's Unemployment has been denied for several reasons
we of course are appealing it
but who knows when he will get a date for the hearing and he has no income coming in !
it stresses me out so I can just Imagine what it's doing to him ! can we say STRESSED!!!!!!!!!

My anxiety has been off the charts , I think with the situation at hand, I guess some could say its not my problem but hes my partner in life so what upsets him effects me deeply.
the clicking of my mind like someone has come in with egg beaters and scrambled my mind , vivid pics flashing so fast often are happening
perhaps is just the stress
but im going to mention it to the doctor when i go
depression wise Im doing OK
I been putting a lot of time into my board
that frustrates me too, not a lot of people are logging on, I have a group, small group that faithfully come on and they keep me going as far as venting and having someone to listen and talk too
I still recruit new members daily
as I find it to be relaxing
that is about it for now
nothing exiting has really been happening these days!
the girls were so sweet ( twins) they brushed my hair and rubbed lotion on my feet , releases such stress for me
i got great kids!

The Climb ( just how I feel these days)

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep goin', and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, but

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep faith baby
It's all about, it's all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, woah

lots to talk about

Its been almost a week since i blogged, alot has happened since I blogged. Ill start with updating you on the situation with the kids father, lately he has been wicked late with the child support now mind you its a measly $116 Bi-Weekly and I had a check bounce from him back in April that he has yet to pay me for, so I finally grew the balls and violated him and modified my child support. Its been five years since we went for support so im hoping to get it increased. Im also going through the support collection unit to insure its on time and no more checks bounce. This weekend was his weekend with the kids once he receives the court papers I can 100% guarantee that he will not take the kids, he always punishes the kids for shit between him and me. On friday night i went out for dinner with Ronnie, J's friend and his wife Kim which we became good friends. I got a phone call at 10pm from my Grandma Raymond which is quite unusual and she told me grandpa got rushed to the hospital by ambulance, I havent seen her in probably 2 years I am such a bad granddaughter. I rushed saturday to see them with J and Zach. We stayed a little while but it started to storm so we left. I can tell it lifted my grandmothers spirits tramondously. Yesterday i went as a guest with Faith to the gym. Today after going fishing in the morning, J and i signed up for our memberships today. I went tanning for the whole 12 minutes on top of getting a sunburn before i even went, but you know me I am a sucker for the sun and tanning beds. Im just a little sore, dreading the shower it will hurt like hell. I noticed going to the gym has made me feel better and while working out my mind doesnt tick like it usually does. Im not sure if its because I've made my life so busy by doing productive things but I dont feel so down when I began my anti depressant. One thing i learned over the course of years is that you have to ride the wave, I was so up and down i finally feel stable and while the anxiety is still there it has lessoned alot. I got a phone call from my grandmother, just like she thought grandpa has walking pneumonia. He's feeling pretty shitty and I only pray he beats this and nothing happens got forbid. He goes back to the doctor friday and I will be calling for updates on friday. I think i covered it all, ill write more later.

I'll start off with Mothers Day, which was great. I got breakfast in bed. I got a bouquet of flowers, and a flower hanging basket. Then we went to a cookout at Jasons mothers house. The day before Mothers Day, I went and bought a bouquet of flowers that my kids picked out for my mother. Talk about feelings being crushed. The kids walk in and hand her the bouquet and she yells for her husband to put them in the sink. Her husband kind of threw them in the sink. Immediately I became pissed off, and said "Mom, can you at least put them in a vase?" Only after I said that did she put them in a vase. No hug. No I love you. No "these are the prettiest flowers I've ever seen". Needless to say, I left shortly after that. We then headed to Jasons mothers to give her the same bouquet that I gave to my mother. She immediately gushed over them, put them straight into a vase, and hugged and kissed me. Jasons mother, mind you, not mine. I immediately burst into tears, and began to tell her how much my mother hurt my feelings.
May8th was my sisters birthday. We're on talking terms, but far from being sisters. But at least I picked up the phone and called her. She thanked me. The conversation lasted less than five minutes, as she had company. I then phoned my mother and said you really need to call your daughter. She begged me to send her an ecard. And for some reason, I can't find any that are free. So I sent her an email from my mother, which my sister knows comes from me. When I was at my mothers the day before mothers day, my mom had made a comment on whether my sister would send her an ecard or not. I being the bitch that I've been lately with these new medications told her that she did not deserve a card. And told her flat out that she needs to stop playing it easy and safe behind a computer screen with an email and make a true attempt with a phone call. This conversation has taken place now for a few days. My mother claims that she doesn't know where to start, and that she doesn't know how to love. That part I can agree to. Enough about that.
I have been a rollercoaster. I have no energy these days. Jay tries to get me out of the house to brighten up my spirits, but it doesn't work. I'm not sure if him being home all the time is getting on my nerves or not. I researched my new medication, and it said you'll feel more down than usual in the beginning, but you must ride it out to feel better. It's been a bitch. I'm not even two weeks into this medicine yet so I sat down and explained to Jay exactly how I felt. I told him I have no energy for housework, and very little patience. I'm amazed at how bored I am lately. Usually I'm the type of person that can find something to do. I would have to say that my anxiety level is down. Now it's just this damn depression that has me up and down. I know that this pill is not a miracle pill, and that I myself have to change my entire mood. Today I took off and came to my best friend Faiths, leaving Jason in charge of the kids and dinner. What a relief. HUD comes out tomorrow to do their yearly inspection. They have to walk through my entire house. For someone like me who stresses housework like nobody else, it has me in a tizzy. Luckily, the kids get out a half a day early, so at least their rooms will be clean before she comes out, which only means one thing...Our cleaning cd, which is the Kings of Leon, if you don't know who they are by now, you're deprived of many things. Together we'll work as a team and get that house clean. But in my ticking mind, Wednesday 2pm-4pm cannot come fast enough.
I haven't blogged for a few days because I've been feeling so negative, and I don't want to write negativity all the time. When does this cycle end? There's times I'm happy and calm, and other times it seems like I have no emotions at all. Jay listens when I talk to him and tell him how I feel, but you can't convince me now that he truly understands.
I guess that's all for now. Ta-ta.

porch

I went to buy a new table for my porch, got some decorations & wind chimes, planted some flower seeds I had gotten at the dollar store ( hopefully they come up) My plan is to clean the clutter off the porch so it looks cute when u walk up to it, I been doing alot of things it seems to try to improve my living quaters.........IF ANYONE knows me , then they know i like to TRY to keep things neat and tidy, I did NO house work at all, I know after dinner I'll start with some dishes and maybe get a load of wash going, kinda excited to see if the flowers grow .... I love to plant things and watch them grow..... its relaxes me,
House isnt bad at all ......... Just a lil half hour to an hour sprucing up, mopping, sweeping and all..........bathroom for sure needs to be done........
guess I'll write more after dinner.........

Sunday

Today I finally got something done I been wanting to for a VERY long time, we steamed cleaned all the rugs in every room, then we went to the label shopper and I bought a few tops and 2 pictures for the living room ( they are country decor and everything was on a major 25 to 30% sale so the pics were like 6 bucks each) , Al needed J's help so we went to mom's house for coffee, then she came over here
I got a spell of bad anxiety attack while the kids were showering for bed, they wouldn't get in there with out asking them more then once , once in they soaked my bathroom floor, Don't ask me how if the curtain is to remained closed ( UGH)
I also bought 2 new throw rugs with roosters ( my decor) for the kitchen, Kids will be Kids I have to tell myself and they rug can go in the dyer......... at least i got the rugs steamed cleaned ! YAY!
then i go to call BreAnne and she OUTSIDE , JUST AFTER GETTING out of the shower, HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Jason are u having a stupid moment
another thing to push my buttons, trust me they pushed
my mom is here visting, so Imma visit with her & get the kids to get in bed
stay tuned for more

My Saturday

We went to some garage sales then came home and made taco salad for dinner, I finally found the twins a decent pair of sandals, that wont kill their feet, not sure what were doing tonight, we may just stay at home or maybe go to a few stores
just a kick back day! I got some picking up of the house to do, maybe Ill do that now
so its out of the way
today I would call a decent day, anxiety is low today! That is a good thing
ta ta for now!